i guess it has been awhile....along while since i have posted...
a real post that is.
my 21st birthdsay is four weeks from today, zac & i went shopping and of the...two dresses without a bubble at the bottom, we just decided dresses are not for nicki g.
but we're still gonna dress up and head to the casino & rue 13 for drinks, they have a really adorable burlesque show, classy & vintage feeling.
dan moves out tomorrow, i hear. this house has been a bit turbulant at times, i think moving somewhere away from st peters and alone will lead to some calmer times.
kitty is growing so fast, she is the most affectionate cat you have ever met, i bet you on it. and it is making klaus happier to have a playfriend. my little jungle king.
zac bought a new mandolin today.it is a pretty baby, almost black...
poor mercury still hasnt gotten her shots, i think i might steal her away from terry when we move out, poor poor kitty mercury.
it is really sweet to see me & zac curled up with mercury at our feet, olive next to us, and klaus on the floor....gizmo sneaking up on the bed & us kicking his sappy butt out...
we have been trying to hang out with friends more, we hung out with caitlin last week and dustin & potter & those kids a few times this week. it is just had for us to get out. we are both really content with just watching a movie and drinking or sitting outside and talking or playing mando and researching apts in ...wherever isnt here.
only 14 weeks until i dont have schooooooooooooooool
i still have 5 tests and a few mannequin worksheets to poop out, but ill get it.
one day i will work 40 hours a week and be paid for all of it.
until then 70 hours a week and only getting paid for 30 of it.
my feet at least are getting stronger....?
ive been planning my halloween costume already...hAH
i miss working at halloween express so much....\
me & my sister had fun hanging out at my Aaunts property. she has a beautiful piece of land in williamsburg, with a house on a hill overlooking a lake and a bunch of trees and a cow farm behind the lake that belongs to her brother. we spent all day on the lake swimming and hanging out by the pontoon boat with all my family for my grandpas 90th bday.
ah hyes those old ritters...
oct first marks a day ...my bday and new apartment...new tattoooooooo
aaaand i wanna get outta my life
move to december and start new....
schwag is in a week & a half, me & zac are gonna camp in a hidden spot we found, and hide out for 2 nights...

i really am excited about the coming months...
this past 9 months has been a wretched mess.
i suck at attending school.
but i made.........TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS tonight...the usual server makes 90-110 usually....
GLORIOUS!!!!!
now i can pay my billssssssssss!!!!!

well its settled,

im moving september to rid myself of st peters forevermore.....

ive found a good placew because caitlin & sayre Are also living in the same building...

yaay

see ya guys.

this is so funny.
god damn, brett pierce you prove yourself to be one selfish self centered asshole once more. you will not stop till you hurt everyone around you, huh?


i need to move to the city to get away from these inbred kids.

sometimes i have to much in my brain to think...

people are still trifling self involved fools, world....
nothing is new.

in other news, 4 months til i graduate!
630 $$ in over days, whooooo.......
going out friday night to get shitty in the city with nichole & other girls from school...
still fat, still busy, still loving it though....

2 months til i'm 21, one .5 months til schwag, three months til halloween...
FOUR MONTHS TIL I HAVE A CARREER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck this shit nukka im breakin free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in other other news....thinking about apprenticing as a tattoo artist after school...
i know i can do better than jay or others i've seen...

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say

a long long time ago, i can still remember, why the fuck i moved out.
looking at apartments in the cwe and south city for october...pretty solid considering brittany is probably moving out...we found a good one with a bonus sun room,,,wooo
klaus is on a diet, the man weighs TEN pounds.
brett is still being nutsoid & harassing me & then all of a sudden saying he loves me & he would drop eva for me...
hahah this is just retarded, why can't he just accept that he could be in a good relationship with her & do it. we can both be happy away from eachother....
REALLY...
EIGHTEEN WEEKS LEFT OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats so far away...
but for now, i need to diet my ass in gear and kick out 4 more months of school, looking forward to the big 21 and september schwag!
think floyd & zoso.
man fuck school for making me the only responsible person i know, i'm sick of people having fun and me not, the greedy bitch i am...

this is old, but i figured i'd move it the lj instead of xanga...

we've all recently read the philosophy of andy warhol, and if you haven't please do. andy warhol was such an innovative thinker that he completely redefined the definition of art. he is ten million times more an artist of ideas than of tangible mediums. his ideas are ones that sparked my brain and made me realize more clearly how i see life, and our purpose.
to begin, a quote that simply and perfectly states a broad sense of how i view life. it's obviously from slaughterhouse-five. ok.
"Welcome aboard, Mr. Pilgrim," said the loudspeaker. "Any questions?"

Billy licked his lips, thought awhile, inquired at last: "Why me?"
"That is a very earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us, for that matter, Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"
"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why."

i have never been able to gracefully put in to words my overall thoughts on life, and it took a few moments before i realized i completely and totally needed this book before i could understand myself.
other books that have completely shaped my life:
any short story by roald dahl (particularly THE SOUND MACHINE, pig, the boy who talked with animals, any short story by him.) + fight club by pahlahniuk, (as rediculously present it is in most kids my age's lives, the book's overall ideas are mind blowing, though it veers greatly from the movie) + picture books of any sort + the big orange splot.+ girl, interrupted + charlie and the chocolate factory + on the road + fahrenheit 451 + the giver + slaughterhouse-five + a bunch of books i've read on kahlo, klimt, MICHAEL GONDRY, the beatles, religion, drugs, sexual values, space, and human interaction.

Life, or the detachment from it- All my life, i've always been one step behind where i was supposed to be, it was like everyone recieved a detailed, informing letter on the 15 things you had to accomplish in life, and the steps you take to get there. Each person had watched a tutorial video on how to go about thier day like a normal person, and how to interact with people. I watched from my desk as kids turned in papers i had no idea we were even assigned, talked about shows i had never heard of, went to events i had no idea even happened, and life whirred past me with everyone on board but me. the best i can explain it is like a rope. this rope has knots on it and it starts out moving slow, when we are little, so that everyone can grab on. as it picks up speed, i can notice that everyone is gone now, and by then the rope is moving too fast for me to grab on. i panic because i can see my chance disappearing, but i can't do anything about it. As i got older, it got worse, it was like a bubble formed around me and i felt like no one could see me, and no one could hear me. not in a helpless goth feel sorry for me way, it was more of a voyeuristic, looking in on a picture, out of body type experience. i am constantly feeling like i am just watching life on tv, and if i don't participate, what's going to happen? nothing. if i do participate? nothing. i find myself staring at people and saying things out loud because i forget people can see and hear me. my entire life has been one big out-of-body experience, and i'm beginning to see it might be that way for most people.

Ideas- when my mind goes to formulate ideas, it has become increasingly difficult to formulate entire thoughts or ideas. its like i understand the sound and touch of the idea, but i can't fine tune focus it to fully understand it. an idea can only be described as an intense white light in my brain, above my eyes, and i can completely understand and fathom the idea, but my brain can't funnel it out into tangible thoughts and sentences. i feel like i am smarter than my vocab allows me to be.

Marriage- After hearing more than half the married men i've come into contact with admit that they hate their wives and the sole advice they dish out is to never 'knock up any girls' because then you'll be 'stuck with that bitch for life', i think i will prefer to find someone to simply coexist with (trying my hardest not to come across as some old washed up hippie lady...) i refuse to be someone's old woman.

Pink Floyd and Geishas-i reached a mushroom induced revelation once that gieshas lived upon the same principles as pink floyd. i wish this made any sense now.

The Beatles, Blackbird- the beatles are one of few things my mind cannot FATHOM. they simply cannot be real. (me being flabbergasted and not actually meaning this, of course), and blackbird, well, it's not even one of my favorite beatles songs, but i will say to the end that the acoustic guitar was invented and had no purpose until that song was written. thanks, dog.

Left Handedness- We all have been told over and over again that left handed people think so much differently and are just so g-d creative. Only 17% of the population is left handed, but about 35% of the people i know are left handed, i think. that might be exagerrated, but i'm pretty sure everyone i am surrounded by is an artist or a innovative thinker. no one i know is not wise and beautiful. is this some left handed coincidence, or are these lefties just trying to live up to some sort of weirdo standard here?

Micheal Gondry- micheal gondry is for sure one of the smartest people i've read up on, and one of the most originally artistic minds i've seen in ...years. (am i old enough to say that?) the things that come out of this man's head are completely of another world and a substantial reason why i feel i'm not good enough to make a career of art. i read in his book that when he was a kid in france, he was interested in music & sounds so he took a record, and holding a needle ever so lightly to the record he yelled as loud as he could, scratching the needle along the record as it spun. When he played the record back, he could faintly hear his voice in the background. to be a child and realize these things? it's all i've ever wanted. i've always craved being some prodigical child musician or artist, but of course it never happened.

art/artism/artistic ability- in my preschool class, i was the only kid capable of drawing a stick figure, with fingers and teeth and toes, while all the other kids were scribbling. all through elementary and middle school my dad gave me painting lessons and figure drawing lessons in my basement, and every christmas i'd recieve a canvas and paints or paint thinners or charcoal, or a sketch pad. i learned to stretch a canvas by eight, and by 5th grade i spent most of my time drawing and painting. every one i've ever known has pushed me and insisted that i do something with this...talent? i can't really call it that any more. my biggest regret has to be that i let something so natural and easy drift from me. it would be vain of me to say i am totally artistic but i can say for a fact that i see any given thing differently than 98% of people. it scares me that i ignore it, i might have had something going for me that i chose to ignore. one day i might forget how to be creative if i don't use it now. right now. And THAT is what scares me.

Thoughts- the only person i've ever discussed this with is my sister and dad, but it's interesting. She, for instance, sees a typewriter in her brain, typing out her thoughts letter for letter. My dad sees pictures, and i speak in conversations with my thoughts. an interesting fact, my dad lost his hearing in one ear when an air hose blew out his ear drum, and since then he hears the thoughts in his head differently as well as his real-life hearing.

Wilco-pretty good band, but in one thing for certain, that song, a shot in the arm, andy rehm told me that song was about heroine, but i'd like to believe it's about anything that makes our blood run. "maybe all i need is a shot in the arm, something in my veins, bloodier than blood." we really all need a 'shot in the arm' and it's for sure our time to decide what's real and what we think could be our shot in the arm, i find myself and everyone around me criticizing our peers' trials with themselves, trying to find what they love and feel, and since its branching from most of what we know of our dear old friends, we criticize it and refuse to accept that yes, jimmy might be into art now, and philosophy, and no, he may not just be trying to seem DEEP or something. we're all severely blinded by this forest of LIFE that bloomed up around us. we're all too busy trying to make ourselves seem cultured and rounded and legit, but i guess these are the things we are measured by now, aren't they? ...does that make these things important?

WORDS- i love words. and i can't even describe in a paragraph how a good sentence or paragraph can effect me. for instance -"We felt the imprisonment of being a girl. The way it made your mind active and dreamy... so you ended up knowing what colors went together. We knew the girls were really women in disguise... that they understood love and even death..and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them. We knew that they knew everything about us. And that we couldn't fathom them at all. " words are something we use from person to person, to communicate a pre-determined idea, a way to get across something direct, to get something accomplished. But sounds and pictures and colors are a building thing, something you can gather and build to develop something personally. When you share words with people, you tell them something. When you share colors, noises, pictures with people it is more of a statement followed by a q&a, a way to explain your interpretation, then leave it open for the other person to grasp and arrange within thier own ideas, interpretation can make black seem white, and vice versa, it's just all about sharing it, or there really is no purpose for any of this.

ANDY WARHOL: "During the 60's, I think people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. And I don't think they've ever remembered. I think once you see emotions from a certain angle, you can never think of them as real again. That's more or less what happened to me." -A.W.

The beauty of the world is enormosity vs. details- While at schwag, i looked up at the enormous DOME of stars above our heads, and then my mind went intensely clear, my brain kept repeating- the beauty of the world is enormosity.- i don't even know what this means, but my brain kept pushing it to my attention, to this day, i have no idea, but it shook me walking through the crowds at schwag, and i turned to caitlin and she laughed, we thought nothing of it. months later, we were riding in my car, and she turned to me and said-you know i don't think the beauty of the world is enormosity, i think its in the detail, and the tiny things. and now my brain is completely turned upside down. which is it? its like my digital camera, i had been using a cybershot for maybe 2 years before one day kare showed me macro mode on it- it allows you to focus in on tiny detail, and i was completely set aback. i mean, i had been looking at the big picture for so long, i had no idea there was even a way to focus detail. (if you know what i mean) i mean life is so much easier if you just focus on the larger picture, i go insane if i pay attention to detail, racking my brain day & night to try & figure out what everything MEANS, it's a real problem i have, you'll notice. i analyze everything until a problem is not even a problem anymore, and everyone's moved on to the new problem, i'm still standing at the ruins of the LAST problem, like how the hell do i DEAL with this. that's just it though. if i stand around playing dumb long enough, the problem usually fixes itself. the question is, am i playing dumb or am i just really this clueless? even i don't know. life is strange.

so, my point, if you've ever stood at the foot of the ocean, you should know how insane it is, i mean this thing goes on longer than you can even imagine. it is bigger than you can comprehend, it is gorgeous and powerful and awe-inspiring and full of the unimaginable. same thing with the sky. but if you look down, you can notice the tiny tiny grains of sand, sparkling and shining and soft as anything rolling under your feet from the waves. there are millions of billions of these things making up these miles of beach, and each one is different. in this way, the 'beauty of the world' is enormosity, or the detail? well, it's neither. i'm pretty sure everything is just amazing at this point. maybe i'm easily amused.

rainforests- when i was little i remember being told about the deforestation of the rainforests and i remember feeling a fear deep in my gut unlike any i've ever felt before. why isn't everyone else panicking? i was afraid when i was little we would all suffocate if trees weren't there to make air for us. someone should make a national geographic special about it, please, to alert the 7 year olds out there, before more of them give themselves anxiety disorders. maybe this is my duty?

drum circles-there is something unsettling about this animalistic thing, i'll get back to you on it.

UNECCASARY BEAUTY- the secret to a lovely life, and my happpiness. if one surrounds themselves with things they love, and things they think are beautiful, you can't help but know life is beautiful. it's the key to my happiness, and my reason for carrying on. i constantly collect and surround myself with things that make me happy and inspire me, and i can garantee you there is some osmosis of good vibes going from my things to me, i value clutter and pride myself on my collection of things i love.

My Lady D'Arbanville marilyn- cat stevens has a song about this beautiful woman- his lady d'arbanville, when i was little, me & sammi would go on vacations with her family, and we would drive many a hour in her full size van, with her mom singing tracy chapman and cat stevens in the front. marilyn igou is always going to be my hero, and for the rest of my life i will imagine her as the lady d'arbanville he sang of. marilyn igou is what i always wished my mother was like.
sammy igou- sammy is hands down, the funniest person i know, and i highly reccomend her company to all who cross her path. my childhood was shaped by this character.

my dad-two things: 1)without exploring, life would be boring, and 2) you make your own fun, nick. anyone can do well in life on my dad's advice.

young brett, caitlin- when i took delsym, i was crosseyed outside and i was talking to someone, but i couldn't figure out if it was caitlin or brett. i can really only trust two people. but it's better i don't kid myself. i have a hard time trusting people.

rolling- do we really feel these things we say when we roll? i am not sure, i know 99% of what i say is true, but is everyone else BS-ing me? or do we just talk nonsense when we are talking crap when we are sober? do we think before we say anything ever? who the hell knows. we are all backstabbers, backtalkers, and generally untrustworthy people on the whole...ALL OF US. but i also know we can all step back and appreciate each others good points, and cherish the bonds we have. so what is my point? who knows, i'm just generally confused.

THE UNIVERSE IS SHAPED EXACTLY LIKE THE EARTH IF YOU GO STRAIGHT LONG ENOUGH YOU'LL END UP WHERE YOU WERE -modest mouse

my first memory-is at the ripe young age of 18 months. why aren't we scared we can't remember our first years on earth. conspiracies, ladies!

We were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground, so pleased with ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns, but we were all still just dumb dumb dumber than the dirt in the ground.-MM

sense of self- i am constantly listening to myself and wondering who i am. i'm not sure i have any idea of who i am, or what i think half the time. i am constantly surprised to hear what people think of me, or think i think. If i have no idea who i am, how can i expect anyone else to?

why we do drugs- boredom, mind-exploration, depression, more boredom, who cares. drugs provide you with wisdom you could not stumble upon otherwise, and some of this wisdom is good, but too much drugs and you go nutsin...and they say true geniuses are insane...yeah, that's about it, drugs make you closer to being a genius.

does every girl fake their handwriting in 4th grade to make it cuter?

johnny cash- my dad always told me johnny cash was the greatest story teller america ever had. i know that's not true, but i will always remember him dancing around our living room to those songs and laughing like a crazy man.
cleanliness- "She was very clean, and that makes her more beautiful. Maybe it's even the basis of her beauty."

appreciating life thoroughly & uneventfully- life is never going to throw us fame and adventure, it's about making your own fun, and appreciating life thoroughly and uneventfully. true that.

tayler hornberg/ chris belew/ sayre and ray-(i constantly meet new people and blow off their talk, but these people make me want to try to be closer, and that's rare...) TAYLER is one of the only true old souls i've ever met, and unknowingly has guided me through a large part of my growing up in the past years, and helped me realize quite a bit about people and the world, with the mike morris situation. what appears to be the truth is only temporary blindness, and i now see things from several standpoints instead of being blinded by love, or friends, or whatever it may be. and CHRIS is hands down, possibly the wisest smartest person ive met thus far. the first time i rolled he helped me realize things about myself i may never have seen, and without a doubt figuring myself out has unleashed me in ways i never thought i could see. SAYRE AND RAY- two beautiful beautiful people, both of them. Sayre is the most intensely rediculously smart and creative person i've met, thus, also being the most intimidating. i constantly make a fool of myself in front of them, and i have never had this much in common with 2 people. i hope and pray we become closer, but who knows?
Brett- the first night me and brett got together, we tripped, and everyone kept stopping by chris' house, and asking, hey what's going on with those 2? why are they entangled and sprawled out on eachother? and chris just kept saying, "they're just co-existing, man. they're just coexisting." that pretty much sums us up, in the words of an acid crazed man, that's about it. and i like it that way.

love- what exactly is love? and why on earth do we insist on chasing it? i have no need for complications, and i have no way of distinguishing it from other feelings i possess, therefore, i choose to let it live elusively and unnamed around me, and maybe one day i'll call it out, and let everyone know, but everyone knows, once you give something a name, it completely ruins it.

karma- karma is present in most religions, that the meek shall inherit the earth, the sinners will pay, so on & all that. it only makes sense that in a world where everything is recycled, everything moves in a circle, it only makes sense that these things do the same.
the stoned senses game- whenever i get stoned, the most fun thing to do is to go through all of your senses, your eyes, hearing, touch, etc., and realllly pay attention to how tuned in they are, how heightened they are. you can feel the noises in your ears, and each fiber in your pants touching your legs. your breathing is like some sort of complex math problem, and feeling your breath is just as entertaining as actually doing something. pot is really cool, and it never fails. it has never hurt me, my dear.

glory fades- i never ever want to explain my tattoo to people, because it is like how i explained ideas, i know, i KNOW the reasons i got it, but when i explain it, it loses the passion i kind of feel for it. it says 'sic transit gloria', and means so glory fades. the reason i got it, to my best of explaining, is...i am obsessed with coming of age & finding out you are a completely different person than you thought, and making these years something to remember, if i don't make memories & DO things now, when will i ever? i know that this insane restlessness & craving to break out is the treat of adolescense, and this feeling of being invincible will eventually fade, and the chance to make something great and wonderful will pass, and i need a reminder not to let this pass, this great stirring in my belly to make something of these ever so important years.


.


"there are no telegrams on tralfamadore. but you're right; each clump of symbols is a brief, urgent message- describing a situation, a scene. We tralfamadorians read them all at once, not one after the other. There isn't any particular relationship between all the messages, except that the author has chosen them carefully, so that, when seen all at once, they produce an image of life that is beautiful and surprising and deep. there is no beginning, no middle, no end, no suspense, no moral, no cause, no effects. what we love in our books are the depths of many marvelous moments seen all at one time."





And if you'd 'a took to me like a gull takes to the winds, id'a jumped from my tree, and
i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores, And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

so, prom junior year, i weighed 165 lbs.
and i was completely overweight and unhappy. my goal was to weigh 140, and now i am at a steady 127, and have been.
take that, FAT!


also, here is my tattoo, yet to be filled in.